I have two small children, which means a large portion of my Saturdays are spent at random childrens’ birthday parties. This is a fate akin to being tied down and smacked in the face repeatedly with a Nerf bat. Nearly every weekend, just when I think I’ll [I]finally[/I] have a chance to lay around in my pajamas, I hear the dreaded sound of “Honey, get ready. We have a birthday party to go to.” Most days, I’d rather spend hours working in tobacco than going to one of these Godforsaken events. The one perk of today’s Random Child Birthday Party, however, is that I have a built-in excuse to not watch Kentucky get beaten like a rented mule at the hands of a Georgia team that has won eight straight, and has scored 108 points in their last 2 games, which is 62 less than UK has all year. Should be fun.
[I][SIZE=1]The only gift she wanted was to know who her daddy is.[/SIZE][/I]
However, I feel sorry for those of you who don’t have other things to do besides watch an uncoached team get taken to the woodshed. So, I’ve compiled a short list of some alternatives for you; some activities to keep you sheltered from the perpetual eyesore that is Joker Phillips & Company’s 2011 team. For instance, you could…
…try to find the UK-Penn State basketball game on ESPN3.com, assuming your internet carrier even provides it. I have no idea why this game isn’t on TV anywhere, but I blame Joe Paterno. Speaking of Penn State, you could also…
…go to a Random Child’s Birthday Party, assuming your name isn’t Jerry Sandusky or Bernie Fine. Of course, it helps if you have children of your own. Go look on Facebook right now, I guarantee some kid is having a party somewhere. I’m convinced some kids have 2-3 parties a year, since us parents lose track of them all anyway. If that doesn’t float your boat, try…
…calling a loved one. Look at you, sitting there with cookie crumbs on your shirt. Get up and call your mother. She misses you, and she wants you to see a doctor about that place on your neck already. Don’t make her worry. Her arthritis flares up when she worries. If that’s too much to ask, you could…
[I][SIZE=1]This is her happy face.[/SIZE][/I]
…shave. Seriously, dude. Your paltry attempt at a beard makes Joe Dirt look like the guy from the Oak Ridge Boys. November is nearly over, give it a rest. Besides, if you’d shave, maybe your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend would be more willing to kiss you. That thing itches. If you don’t want to part with the beard, you could…
[I][SIZE=1]The one on the right. But I’m sure you knew that.[/SIZE][/I]
…just go outside for a walk. It’s going to be a warm-ish, pretty day, and we don’t have many of those left. And to be honest, you could use the exercise. In fact, if you could walk to a birthday party, while watching UK-PSU on your iPad, while talking to your mother on your cell phone, you would probably be nominated for an award of some sort. Or get run over. All those things are distracting.
I’m sure there are many more options out there, but these are a few to get you started. And you’ll thank me, once you see the final score of 56-13. Have a happy Saturday, and I’ll see you this evening for a very poorly done postgame wrap-up.
Now go shave.
