We are just under 12 hours from kickoff for the Louisville game, and I’m pretty sure everything that can be said about this game and that team has been said. There have been serious posts, humorous posts, redundant posts, unoriginal posts, and someone even wrote out a joke about a slutty monkey.
So what’s left to say?
I guess I could make fun of those ugly uniforms, but then they would change them next year anyway, so why bother? Seriously, Louisville’s football team changes uniforms as often as their mothers bathe. Also, much like a Louisville football player’s mother bathing once a year, the end result of new unis is still an ugly team with a sub-par product. So we will leave the glorious combo of cream/black/red/white pinstriped nipples alone for now.
[I][SIZE=1]Pictured: Mrs. Stein and Mrs. Chichester preparing to wash in the pond[/SIZE][/I]
But how about the fans? God knows how much crap they have deservedly received. At this point, it’s almost old hat to make fun of a line beard.
[I][SIZE=1]Pictured: the being to whom Louisville fans pray[/SIZE][/I]
You know who else probably had a line beard? Some of Jesus’ disciples. I bet you wouldn’t make fun of them. Also, much like Jesus’ disciples, the Cardinals are probably going to run away when the Roman army comes for the crucifixion. And by crucifying army, I mean Josh Clemons, Danny Trevathan and Winston Guy (it still feels weird saying that). Another reason I can’t really make fun of a line beard? I once had a full-blown fu manchu mustache, so it would be unbecoming of me to make fun of someone else’s facial hair. But, a line beard AND a severe case of duck-face in every fan group picture? Well, that’s just stupid.
[SIZE=1][I]Not pictured: intelligent human life[/I][/SIZE]
Then maybe we can make fun of that God-forsaken mascot. Why in the heck does a bird have teeth? Scholars have studied this question over the years, and have arrived at this conclusion: “the rising popularity of the crystal meth industry, especially in urban redneck areas such as Louisville, has caused a spike in the use of crystal meth, thus resulting in loss of teeth. As an effect, the population is severely lacking in the areas of oral hygiene awareness.” To put that in layman’s terms, the scholars are implying that Louisville fans are semi-toothless redneck meth-heads, and the only mouth full of teeth they’ve ever seen are on the mascot, so at this point it’s almost a teaching tool.
[I][SIZE=1]See? Not a tooth in his head[/SIZE][/I]
But really, why? I assume it’s to make the bird look menacing and scary to opposing teams. The football team certainly isn’t going to look menacing and scary by itself. You know what would be another good way for them to look tough? Me neither. It’s Louisville. Their idea of toughness is bandannas and baggy pants, with a bag of Crown Royal and a bad haircut. Although, that look makes the likelihood of job prospects very tough, so I guess it’s effective.
[I][SIZE=1]One of these signs will never be seen in the hands of a Louisville fan[/SIZE][/I]
At the end of the day, there just isn’t any new material to use to make fun of our red-clad quasi-brethren to the west. But then, I guess the only thing easy about Louisville is the cheerleaders (just ask Becca Manns). That, and beating them in football. Cats by 9.
[I][B]Follow @chris_minton on Twitter for a little UK talk, and lots of random thoughts and crude words.[/B][/I]
