Today, at noon, the most important game of Joker Phillips’ tenure as Kentucky head coach kicks off.
Against an FCS school.
Why is it so important? Look at UK’s offensive numbers this season, then look at UK’s record this season. Then, look at the UK fanbase. Then reread Mitch Barnhart’s remarks about how Joker is “absolutely” his guy. Now tell me why this game is so important.
It’s safe to say UK is in dire need of something to get them going after a lackluster 4 weeks and a bye week. These guys haven’t won since Gaddafi was alive! But, depending on which side of the fence you are making your perch, that either changes today, or it solidifies a season in the crapper.
A beautiful fall day, a noon kickoff, and the action at Keeneland make a combination that has many people, myself included, thinking that the crowd is gonna be sparse. Like, 35,000 sparse. Even worse, some people, myself included, thinks there’s a good chance Kentucky has its hands full today. They are facing a potent offense, which features a back that absolutely lit up UK the last time he saw them.
So what will happen? I figure it will go one of four ways.
Scenario A: Kentucky comes out ready to play, after a bye week to reenergize team spirit. The defense turns in a stellar performance, and the offense manages a couple touchdowns as UK wins 20-6.
Scenario B: Kentucky comes out flat, after a bye week to dwell on the 4-game losing streak. The defense plays admirably, but again the offense can’t stay on the field, causing the D to wear down in the second half. A small crowd gets smaller in the 2nd half as UK loses, 24-10.
Scenario C: Joker turns his team loose. The offense blows Jacksonville State off the field, and UK wins by 4 touchdowns.
Scenario D: Aliens invade Commonwealth Stadium and perform random anal probes. Once the crowd realizes the aliens come in peace, everyone gathers outside the stadium, bowlegged with sore butts, for a rousing rendition of “She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain”, featuring the UK band. Everyone has a great time, and a young couple falls in love in the process, going on to get married and settle down with a baby boy, a baby boy that will grow up to be the leader of our country, and he will oversee an era of unheard-of economic prosperity and social tolerance. His administration will find a way to burn water, and crime will be at its lowest rate ever. Reality TV will be a thing of the past, and Rascal Flatts will no longer be a mainstream nuisance, but rather a trio of singing janitors at Nelson R. Baines Middle School in Las Cruces, New Mexico. Mankind will live in harmony and peace, and the newfound pleasant vibe will affect the way the Earth turns on its axis, giving us 3 more hours of daylight each day. This will lead to farmers having more time and resources to develop crops that cure Alzheimer’s and taste like chocolate, with the nutritional levels of soy and rice. It will be a wonderful, wonderful time.
You realize, I’m sure, that scenario D has as much chance of happening as scenario C.
In all seriousness, I think Kentucky wins. It won’t be an overwhelming performance, but it will be enough to keep the fanbase from burning Joker & Company in effigy. Yes, it’s a shame that this season has regressed to the point where fans would be happy about a win over a Division II opponent. It’s a shame that we are looking at the possibility of a half-full Commonwealth Stadium. It’s a shame that we are having to have this discussion in the first place.
Rise.
