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Motivational quotes and little stupid phrases that help us keep perspective are okay, I suppose. That is, if you are a mouth-breathing chucklehead who doesn't have the gumption to pick the underwear out of your butt without some stupid daily calendar with pictures of cats saying things like "Go back a little to leap further". God knows there are enough suckers out there that the whole thing has become a cottage industry.

Whatever. I can deal with most of it. But I heard one the other day that I'd never heard before, or if I had, I managed to block it out with things like kids, and work, and sports, and the lyrics to "Weird Al" Yankovic's song "Yoda" (which is a parody of "Lola", by The Kinks. Hard to say which is better, really). The phrase in question is as follows:

"I complained because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."

GAAAAAHGHGGLACCAKCVLFKDACKAACKACK. Sorry, had to throw up in my mouth a bit. This may be the emptiest, most useless phrase since a "Mission Accomplished" banner flew on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln a few years ago.

Where to start with the debunking of this verbal chlamydia? For starters, if I want to complain, I'm going to. This country was founded on complaints, or else those whiny-a** Puritans wouldn't have left England in the first place. "Ooh, I'm so tired of religious ritual, Chauncey! Why, we should found a country with freedom of religion, and instead of those darned Catholics molesting little boys, we can instead have Protestants and Baptists stealing money and buying hookers! Fancy the notion!"

Even if I don't want to complain (which I do, trust me. I'm a big, fat, hairy man-woman who complains about every little thing), this is still a trite, stupid sentence. If I don't have any shoes, you can bet your sweet bippy I'm letting it be known how unhappy Daddy is about his feet being cold.

You know who doesn't have cold feet? The guy without any feet. Tell me how I'm better off than him, when I have severe frostbite on my toes, but his nubs are most likely safe inside of his pants. Advantage: random footless stranger.

Also, a guy without feet is probably getting disability. He gets a check (and rightfully so) that allows him to have an income, income that he is losing otherwise due to his footlessness. Meanwhile, Shoeless Joe over here, who happens to have all his feet but nothing to put them in, gets to stand barefoot running a meat-press at the Spam factory all day, just knowing that, at any time, a rogue piece of processed, not-quite-yet-a-meatless-nasty-food-product premature Spam lump could fly off the sander belt and land on his exposed metatarsals. I wouldn't want Spam on my feet even I was wearing shoes, much less barefoot.

Now, imagine you and the footless guy are both competing for a girl. She's a sweet young thing, and you both fancy her quite the catch. So what happens? You ask her to go dancing. That'll show Hop-along a thing or two! She accepts, you hit the local line-dance club, and you suddenly remember that you dance like old people fornicate: it's ugly to see, and there's a good chance someone is getting hurt. You tangle your feet trying to turn it out during the "Cha-cha Slide" and fall into a group of middle-aged women on a girl's night. Glasses break, wine gets spilled, blouses get stained, and menopausal women freak the eff right out. Even worse, your date is so embarrassed she never calls again.

So what does the footless guy do? He rows her out into the middle of the lake on a beautiful, starry night. 'Neath the romantic light of the full moon on a clear night, they share a passionate kiss, a kiss that leads to their courtship and eventual marriage, which in turn leads to children, children who grow up to be strong, handsome, athletic specimens who make straight A's and who feel sorry for your kid, a stupid, stupid child born out of wedlock to you and a truck-stop waitress with a glass eye that you hooked up with one night in a moment of desperation after drinking yourself blind over your lack of a loafer-filled existence. Advantage? I think we know.

So, the next time you want to complain about not having any shoes, go right ahead. It's a rough life. And if you should happen across a man who has no feet?

Beat him down. He deserves it.

Updated January 28th, 2012 at 01:13 AM by Chris Minton

Tags: "weird al", motivational quotes, puritans, rant, spam, stupid people

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Well, well, well....Mr. Lamb got himself a fresh new do. Personally, I don't think it looks like the same Lamb. I also believe he looks very handsome with his new haircut and I definately approve. What do you think ladies, how do you rate it on a scale of 1 being awful and 10 being seeeexaaay?

Tags: doron lamb

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The above picture paints a thousand words about what Roy Williams did after a 33 point loss to an 11-5 Florida State team. Lets start from the beginning.

Under 2 minutes to go in the game, North Carolina had all of its reserves in the game and the starters were on the bench. Picture proof of Tyler Zeller consoling his nose under a towel here:


After some sloppy play and a few late deadballs, Roy looked at the crowd and noticed they were getting "rowdy". With about 25 seconds remaining, Roy talks to a referee and tells him the plan to pull the guys off the bench and take them to the lockerroom if there is another deadball. True to form with 14 seconds left, there was another out of bounds situation. Roy then half hesitantly walked towards Leonard Hamilton who was standing straight as an arrow just waiting for the game to be over. Roy basically asked for approval to leave early to which Hamilton obliged.

Then it got interesting. Roy then looks at his bench, makes a wave gesture as to say "come on" and walks straight to the locker room. Hamilton then stopped him to tell him his players didn't know to follow. Roy almost walked off to the locker room by himself alah Daniel Orton.

At that same moment, a UNC player on the court approaches Roy to ask what is going on, Roy completely ignores him and walks back to the Tar Heel bench to wave yet once again for his "star" players to "come on". Then Roy shook hands with the FSU coaches and bench and proceeded to the locker room. This time his team followed behind.

The player who Roy ignored then ran to join his team as they were leaving thinking he was supposed to leave as well. The assistants then informed him he was staying with the other 4 players on the court. As he was turned away he asked "what do we do?". The assistant probably said get off the court as soon as the game's over, then he said ok.

This is a fairly wuss thing to do even for Roy. I have never, EVER seen a coach tell his team to go to the locker room prior to the game being over. This tells me a couple of things about Roy.

1. He didn't care about safety as much as he wanted to get out of there. He wanted to leave so badly he didn't even care if his team was behind him. Its a bad loss, soak it in. Have your players try to learn how this feels, so they never want to feel it again.

2. let's say he DID care about the safety of his players. Why leave with the stars and leave the walk-ons with some assistants? Its the head coach's job to ensure the safety of ALL the players. I was in charge of a youth group on a ski trip once. One kid didn't make it back with the rest of his friends and no one knew where he was. i freaked out, dropped everything and frantically searched for him. Nothing at that moment was more important than the safety of that kid. I couldn't imagine telling a parent their kid was hurt on my watch, especially if i wasn't even in the vicinity.

3. This wasn't Leonard Hamilton's decision or suggestion. Roy proposed and Leonard accepted. Straight from Roy Williams' mouth: "I went and talked to Leonard and I had already talked to one of the referees that was over there and it was almost Leonard’s suggestion. He’s a quality person." Full quotes here

The captain goes down with the ship unless you're on Ol' Roy Cruise Lines then its every man for himself.

Here's the link to the entire game. Fast forward to the the 2:01:00 mark for all the fun.
Streaming Online - WatchESPN

Tags: 14 seconds, fsu basketball, roy williams, unc basketball

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Hey all! Just wanted to pop in and apologize for being MIA for the last couple weeks! Things have been hectic as I'm in the process of transitioning to a new company, and working a second job for the holidays. I promise I'll get back on track within the next week or so and I'll be writing up a storm. I have a LOT of thoughts going on and several rants to entertain you! Go Cats, love you all!

Courtney

I love this time of year! Not just the leaves changing, football season in full swing or the scent of basketball in the air, but I love Halloween! I love the idea of dressing up and pretending to be something different for a night, the thought that for one night you can take on a completely new persona is electrifying. I love carving pumpkins and light pumpkin spice candles. I like to hand out candy to all of the little dressed up monters that come to my door. I love a good, decorated Halloween party, scary movies, and the thought that once we get past Halloween, the best holiday season is ahead of us.

This post may be a little cheesy but I was just feeling the season tonight as I carved my pumpkin (seen above). Hope you all are enjoying this fall season, and regardless if you like the same things as me, I hope that whatever it is that makes you happy, you take full advantage of it.

I'll be at the blackout game Saturday, can't wait to put on my black, see the sharp unis in person and cheer on the Cats, win or lose. Hope to see you all out there, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Tags: black out, halloween, pumkins

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